This year has been a very bad year,if not a sad year.
And it is bad because i lived it badly.
I've not been myself lately,erm..for a few months at least.
I am not happy inside out.
I used to be someone who live while you can,laugh while you can,love while you can.
Yeah,the happy-go-lucky type.
But everything has changed.
I have to make myself smile while I'm with my friends.
I don't feel happy,regardless what happen.
And worst of all,I dont feel sad.
Cos something in me haunts my feeling and prevails over anything else.
lol i know this sounds like depression.It is,i think.And i think,I'm not possessed by mok mok-__-
I used to be a girl who give no damn about any problem that falls upon her.
At least, I dare to laugh,smile,cry and huat siao, do anything to express my real feeling.
But that isnt the case now.
I hide my own feeling,and I have been untruthful to my own feeling.
Some close friends would ask,
"What's wrong with you today?You're quiet"
"What happened?Why face anei?(dark dark)
"Why so busy?It has been long time since you go out with us?"
My sister would often say to me,
"whao you really look like as if you are dead"
And many,a number of friends who know about my change,those who I talked to em about my change,never fail to help me with this problem.
Console me,figure out the reason,stay with me,cheer me up..
I myself have been trying real hard to figure the solution too.
I couldnt sleep at night.
Keep on thinking..and thinking..
Until few days ago..
I know.
I understand.
The reason and the cause of the problem is none other than ME.
I chose to be unhappy.
I chose to be haunted with this dull life.
I chose to escape from the reality that I caused all this.
I was a happy person because I never hide my real feeling.
And most importantly, I was a happy person because I once hold on to the principle give and receive.
I was more concerned with making others happy,bringing to their life.
I never really thought about myself.
Everytime i meet my friends,my classmates in college,I cant wait to make them smile,laugh,most of the time with my own stupidity.
And now I understand..
I've evolved into a selfish person.
I forgot the principle of my life.
I hurt a lot of people.
I guess it is too late for me to remedy them for all the mistakes i made.
But deep in the bottom of my heart,
I am sorry.
Dad,
I am sorry.
I often came across this question.
"Why i seldom hear you sharing/talking about your dad?What is he working as?"
I'd answer,when I choosed not to reveal the truth..
"Erm..my dad is in KL.Working as a foreman.The project..The company's name i dunno..I never ask"
Then,I'd tried to bring up another topic to avoid further questions about you.
As for those people who knows about our family problem,the question I am always confronted with is,
"So,are you still in contact with your dad?"
"Why not?You should,do you know that?
"No matter what happened,it was between your mum and your dad.You are still her daughter"
Of course I know,dad, that I am your daughter.
Although mum will never let us to find and try to keep in contact with you,I know very well that there are 1001 ways to disobey her and find you,somehow.
But I'm afraid.
And call me coward,I'm afraid..
I chose to avoid reality.
I chose to cry at nights missing you.
I am sorry.
Mum,
I am sorry.
For I have always hide my real feelings from you.
I hate myself for not letting you know..
how much I hate our lives now.
how much i wanted dad,you,Von an dme live together happily like before.
how much i hate wondering why dont you make a difference,if only you said a word of acceptance,that will most probably bring our happy life back.
how much i hate hearing you say to our relative/ur friends that Dad is buried six feet under earth whenever they asked you bout him.
Mum,i really love you.But i cant bear the pain seeing the change in our lives.without dad.
I am sorry.
To a girl who called me bitch in my blog early in this year,
you did it right.I am a bitch!
I am sorry.
Back then,I never thought I am this bad.
Until I think it all over again,if i was the Evelyn before this evil change in me,
I'd never do anything that would spoil another's happiness.
I am so evil.
Yes,I have been telling myself,covering up for my own sake,with lies that I was not a party at fault.
Excusing myself by telling myself that You and him has broke up when i knew him.
How silly I was to be unable to draw a line to distinguish a 'good' friend and gf/bf.
And yet I gave a lot of chances to let things work for me and him.
Even until he got ur last chance,while being doubtful about his feelings towards me,us being so called more than ordinary friends with special feelings.And again, I caused you to be hurt.
Stupid, I'm a real dumbass.
I am not asking for any apology from you,as I know i deserve no apology from you.
It is just..i dont want to cheat myself anymore.Enough covering for myself.I hate myself for hurting you.
I am sorry.
Someone with the nick SecretPerson left a comment in one of my blog post sometime in June,
"U're...Just u're too follow ur feels..."
Yes, I cant agree any much more than this, especially me in dealing with relationship.
I thought i know how to love.
But I am wrong.Definitely and absolutely wrong.
I dont know how to love.
And often at times,I am unsure about my own feeling.
I dont respect the meaning of love.
Love is not when you accept a guy of whom he touched your heart and hence you thought you have feelings towards him.
Talking about this,I realise I am a real loser and have a pathetic experience in love.
Except for the first relationship I had,I shall admit that the rest of the guys I agreed to be their gf is on impulse reasoning.
And thus i end up,avoiding them..
This happened to my 2nd ex,a friend,and my recent 3rd ex..
I am sorry.
I started to avoid them when i realised my wrong(my feeling)..
Not replying their phone calls,sms-es,testimonials in fs,msn...
Until they give up on the relationship.
Often after my mistake,I told myself not to repeat the same thing,that is not to get involve in any relationship to avoid hurting anyone..
But i failed,miserably.
Guys,how i wished we can maintain our friendship as it was before without all the wounds I caused on it.
I am sorry.
Von,
I am sorry.
I know you understand me, I'd say even more than mum does.
Although i hardly share any of my problems with you, but often the advice or comments you state about me are 100% of how i exactly feel.
But, often at times...I treat you bad.Unlike any other sisters of your friends,I dont pamper you as I should.And as i promised dad to.
Dad,in one sms,during the end of the time we were still in contact,asked me to look after you.
Although dad is never the type of father who give long lectures,fatherly advice,but I am sure you and I know how much he loves and cares for us,right?How much he hope that in whatever we do,we must make wise decision,not to follow the group of friends..How proud he was to have daughters like us.
Von,remember this always.Love yourself,as how dad hope to..dont do something of which you will regret over later in your life,dont be a loser like me,I am not a good sister as a role model for you.
I am sorry.
All my friends,
I am sorry.
you are the ones who i spend most of my time with.
You can be either my former classmates,current classmates,childhood friends,my cousins,my net friends,my friends' friends...
I feel very bad as the biggest impact on me due to the change in me,i realised it when i hang out/talk/chat/bump into accidentally with you all..
I ve changed.And I am no longer the cheerful gal that you guys(guys and gals) have once knew.
I feel very bad that I talked to you guys in a bad manner.
I used to be someone who did not have her daily life affected with so-called bad mood.
But with my recent change,I become so emo in person..
I no longer talk funny,no longer tell cold jokes,no longer humiliate myself on purpose to paint a smile on ur faces..
I feel very bad for that.
I dont have the mood to hang out with you guys,as I afraid to infect/affect any of you with my problem.
I dont want to let you see my side of unhappiness in me.
Stupid i know.Friends should be people who you share you problems,joys together,but I seriously thought i could get over my problem soon,but I never did.
I feel bad that i avoid you all until the extend i feel very lonely being alone myself without your companion.But yet at the same time, I dare not to reveal my problem to you all.
I feel bad if i somehow let any of you feel that i dont appreciate you or our friendship.That isnt true.You guys should know,and should have felt the difference in me compared to the past.
I really enjoyed every moment we'd spent togther,and my greatest blessing is that i have all of you as my friends.
Feel bad for ltting you all to bear with my chao-kuan attitude due to my change.
I promise you all to restore back to my real self as soon as i get over my problem.
I am sorry.
And Myself,
overall the person that I should really 'dui bu qi'/sorry to.
Ive done so many things,mistakes that caused damages to my own life.
I forget to appreciate things surrounding me.
I forget that in whatever i do,i must make sure i wont have any regrets in my life,if not in near future.
I forget what are the things that really matter to me.
and i forget to,smile and breathe!
There is a saying which i find very true,
I couldnt remember the exact lines,but somehow it means this,
'It is not the bad things that happened to us that haunt our thoughts,but rather our mindset/how we think and perceive the things that happened to us.'
My bestest best friend Jill is right,
she tells me :
*u must have more confidence in urself and the ppl around you
*try to enjoy life as much as possible, coz as u age, u'll look back at ur past and u'll b glad that u r able to enjoy life once again
*what cannot be cured must be embraced
*the ppl around u love u so much, esp ur mum, ur sis n relatives.that's worth more than anything else u know?!just take a moment to imagine life without them.. with them around you, that gives every reason for u to be happy!
*as we aged, we hv to face more challenges..how can u let all this challenges bring u down
maybe u havent find the goals of ur life?once u set a goal, u'll set a target to achieve it
maybe u havent find the goals of ur life?once u set a goal, u'll set a target to achieve it
All these,I know em in fact.But i had chosen not to believe them anymore,tend to forget them over time.And that i so so wrong.
I am so thankful for having her to be my listener.Jill,=). It is true when people say,friends,dont have to cling on one another 24/7 to be best friends.Hrmm Jill,she is leaving for US soon,in two weeks times.And i sincerely wish for her best in everything in her new place.I have confidence in her that she will make it right in every single thing she does=) i miss you~!
well,it really sounds that my life is so pathetic writing this post.post of apology?yeah whatever you perceive this post as,I write this just to admit my own wrong-doings and to move on with my life,leaving behind all the negative things in 2008.I really need to deprive myself from this evilness in me.
And 2009,here i come=)
