moments

My blog is no longer a space I reveal my true feelings, each time before I write a post, I will think what will people think when they read this, so at times I refrain myself from writing too much. To keep it private? No I don't really find it a good solution, I have friends who are silent readers and how if they're too shy to ask the access permission from me? =_=

I miss the past so much each time I miss those old days so much I scroll through my old posts laughing at how dumb I was , each time I feel too free or too emo lying on the bed I look through the photos in my phone and those videos. Laugh, alone.

I think, and say to myself, why things changed so much? It is not others, not other people, nor circumstances we went through, but it is me. Myself. I. We tend to claim people change. But have you ever realised? Have you ever thought? It is us , we, ourselves, who have changed. Well, at least I did realise that.

I don't know why do we hold on grudge, or some unhappy moments, we make ourselves so difficult, those meaningless things that covers all beautiful things, those beautiful moments that once we shared with our friends. There are many things I truly regret, there are so many people I want to say sorry to. Like, apologizing face to face. Tell them how I feel, tell them many ugly things I ve done are unintended. But I don't have the courage to. I dont find ways to grab opportunities. I let them slip away.

If u were to ask me, what is my happiest moment in my life? I would say Bintulu, the 7 years in Bintulu of course, after being separated from our dad, my mum and my sis & I finally moved to Bintulu when he was transferred from Miri to Bintulu for his job purpose. He brought us to the beach, and my mum claimed that the sunset was the reason she was 'cheated' to agree to my dad's request, asking us to move to Bintulu. We were in Kuching back then, communicating with my dad using phone every night. How I miss those days. Mum called Dad, or Dad called mum, then mum ll put the phone on loudspeaker and Evon and I will be talking to him, telling him what happened in our school, and telling him what we saw what we wanted so much and all that. U know? Those things that kids want. I couldnt remember what were those but I definitely miss those moments.

And my happiest school time, other than my carefree, talk-to-Jill-about-guys-bf-hair-gossips days in SMK Bintulu, my most favourite chapter in my school life is A Level's in Segi. Seriously! 8 of us became so close, we went to lunch everyday together, walked from college until Padungan, Tun Jugah , Sarawak Plaza, Parkson, or drive elsewhere to find food that we were not sick of eating them. We talked nonsense, we played cards, during chinese new year, we visited everyone's homes in a day. We gave surprises, we celebrated everyone's birthday together. But is it humanity, that this moment slipped away. I don't know. Many things happened. Many sayings, many gossipings from others. We shouldn't have listened so much. We should have kept it strong. I mean, we shouldn't bother so much. We should have concentrated on happier things. Which is the friendship itself. I was once a very happy-go-lucky girl. I don't , I did not hold grudge, I laughed at my own mistakes and stupidity, I made fun of myself to make others happy, I was not evil. I never learn to hate somebody. But I changed. Friends that I shared my problem with, they asked me not to try to change back to my old good self, but to become even a better person. I guess my 'self' is too strong, the evil self is too strong that it prevailed over my good self. Okay fine I know I sound like Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde. Dual personalities. Ok I even have to google to check how to spell Jekyll. Jackell? Jckill? ...

I miss mud family. I miss laughing together in class. I miss those crazy moments.