and to answer the question i put forward in the previous post myself, hmm I can't , I don't seem to able to express my true self anymore. I cant smile and laugh out laugh when I am happy cos when I do it doesn't mean I am, happy. I can't cry when I feel sad cos I just don't feel like doing so. I mean I feel like crying but I don't know what for? But yet sometimes talking to my friends I wanted to cry so much and when I actually did they will try to stop me from crying, comforting me but they never know the tears felt so warm on my cheeks, as if they have been boiling, waiting, being held too long to be released.

I loved, love, and still feel like loving but my fear overcomes everything. It is so typical of me that I tend to categorize all guys as THE SAME. THE BAD ONES. and of course when I express this standpoint view of mine, each and every guy will protest, saying that they are different, it is unfair to conclude with such general view blablabla

well was I stupid was I unlucky ? it happened that my experience, all of the guys I met they disappointed me when i ..chose to trust them at first..no wait..I meant fall for them w/o realising it? nah..every girl 'd ve known it, if they are falling for someone. but yet we allowed it to happen, dont we? see. I am the type of girl I fall for a guy SO DAMN EASILY. this character of me I hate it so much cos it is what that hurts me? but once I like (and then love) this person, it is very hard for me to ..overcome the heartbreak later on...and when sweet memories went sour, awfully..erm nightmares?

evelyn, what are you doing? are you still you? what are you? well to be honest, I don't know what i am already. i mean, i know, but im trying to run from the reality. my conscience tells me not to hate, not to perceive things in a negative way, but my "self" reacts to hatreds, evil thoughts, grudge, dissatisfaction, greed, longing for someone to belong to you wholly? but how could that be possible?

hey you. yes you. you were not as weak as this. yes there were moments of darkness, then comes the light but you cant rely on the light to much for the fact the light ll eventually have to leave and shine upon others who are in darkness too? so is it not the time to open your eyes now? find your own source of light?

to leave those unhappy things behind, is it possible? perhaps it is not about possibility? perhaps it is about whether you want to erase em' or not. or there are certain things which make you hold on those memories even though they are killing you from inside bit by bit, killing your brightside? well ... perhaps.feelings.emotions.

to her, she ll be loved. at least we do.