Reminded

This is like...so weird yet I thank Lord for arranging this moment ..
About 4 hrs ago,after my bath i decided to make myself zz
It was near to 12am then..
I m not sure whether i'm abnormal or what..
I tend to be excited bout what-to-do the following day n thus suffer insomnia(sleep disorder) at night..
And did so.
So,I onlined using my phone for the next freaking 3 hrs plus..lying on the bed in a-16 degree air conditioned room..
Eventually, i read this blog which i f0und randomly...
Read,read and read...
Until the part she mentioned bout her family..
She called her dad 'Daydie'..
Out of the blue..
This REMINDED of how i called my dad.
I dont mean to be silly
To express how pityful I am..
Similarly,I never intend to leave an impression on you that i'm just a gal that misses her dad so so much...
words cannot describe how much is that 'so so much'..
So,i started to utter it out..
'Papa'...
Then the second time,i spoke a bit louder..
'PAPA'..
In no time,my tears rolled down my cheeks...
non-stop..
It is so crazy.
In this little cold room..
I felt my tears were so warm..
to the extend that they hurt my cheek lil bit..
Only at this moment...
I am reminded how much i miss him all this while..
without being able to truly expressing it to anyone for quite a long time..
How much I miss Him trying to annoy the evil out of my sis...
How much i miss Him giving us long lectures on 'life's theory'..
How much i miss Him tenderly,lovingly 'reserved' all my sis n my fav food that mum cooked for us..
How much I miss Him enjoying his happy hour having plenty of good wine with my uncle,his best listener..
How much I miss the mornings when i used to be awakened by his company lorry's noise when he get off to work as early as 4am..
How much I miss the strong smell of his uniform when he got back from work,MLNG(gas companY)..
How much i miss the moment where Mum and Papa shouted 'goal' or 'woow' watching late football match and therefore pissed Von n me off...
How much i miss Him never failing to bring back home a pack of ice creams n chocolates to cheer my sis n me up all the time...
How much I miss a dad who cared nothing bout himself but us,his princess-es...
How much i miss the time i sneaked and tried to use his cellphone to send sms-es to my frens when mine ran out of credits and he uttered nothing though later he finds out...
How much I miss the 'PAPA fried noodle' that he invented using Maggie Mee...
How much I miss Him giving me voices of supports,understandings,encouragements,advices..
How much I miss the moment where Evon nagged him for the excess amount of angpao(red packet) he gave me compared to hers...
How much I miss the moment he brought me out and at times he happened to bump into his frens/colleague,without even them bothered to know,he would just proudly said to them with his hand tapping my shoulder,"this is my daughter"...
How much I miss him having attended my kindergarten's graduation performance,my dancong and taped every second of it..
And also the last time he got himself involved in an activity concerning my sch,that was when I got NO one in form 3 and was to received the cert and gifts for that on stage..
How much I miss every single of his actions,thoughts,words spoken to me..
I tried to flashback every moment i spent with him,every moment we spent together as a family in whole..
I tried to memorize them,I just fear that someone attempts or someday all these memories would just fade away...
I hate it so much that I have to be 'reminded' of Him whenever i see others having their dad-s around with em..
Cos i dont want to be reminded,I'd choose never want Him to be apart from me..
I hate it so much that i ve to pinch myself to make sure This HAs happened..
It has been a fact that i can no longer see him as i used to everyday..
It is not merely a nightmare..
Infact,It is a nightmare..
The difference is only that I might never be awake from this nightmare...endless nightmare..
I hate it so much when i do talk to myself at nights before i sleep on my bed..
"Papa,how are you?..today i went to.../did this.../this terrible fellow pissed me off.../"
--tried to complain to him all the misfortunes that happened to me everyday or
--tried to share with him my times of glory/happiness...
But i seriously doubt it if he ever heard it...
I hate it so much when i 'talked' to him..
Papa,be strong as I tried to..This is just temporary..
As all these happened on us bcos of MONEy aka root of evil..
Be strong,take good care of urself,be healthy always,wait for me..
Wait for me to graduate,to find a stable job overseas..
And let me play my role as a good daughter..
To cherish u n mum..
Dont worry,i'll definitely take good care of evon..Lead her in her life..
as u always asked me to..
Though i tend to be mean/impatient to her at times...
But i ll always remember ur words..
Papa,as i said earlier,words cannot show the extent of my thoughts and blessings on u..
This is just a small part of things i wanted u to know..
If i ever could,I'd scream to the world at large..
PAPA aka Princess evelyn's king dad...
Where are you?
Do you know how much i miss you????
but i just cant...

[After a Deep Thought]

Why?
Why am i repeating the same mistake all the time?
Greatest error:
Because i believed in love once,i was hurt.
Because i was hurt,i dare not to love and to be loved.
Because i dare not to love and to be loved,i hurt a number of people who i treasured.
Because so,i found my life is meaningless.
Because i found my life meaningless,quite a few people tried to convince me to think otherwise.
Because so,i'm in this particular realtionship.
But because all this,once again i realised...
My greatest error is that as i'm seacrhing for a perfect relationship,the 'right one',
I ended up in this relationship.
I realised,
I'm in this state not because i found the right one,but
it was because i tried to find a right relationship.
=(

-.-

very der tired
looking for jobs for like......i dunno la..
seemed so desperate to get a job
LOL
*bankruptcy now k*

NOt 100%true but 99%...hehe (-.-'''')

cool personality test
Your view on yourself:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.
The seriousness of your love:
You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.
Your views on education:
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.
The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.
How do you view success:
You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.
What are you most afraid of:
You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.
Who is your true self:
You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.