Monday, 29 December 2008

Year 08'

Year 2008 is finally coming to an end.
This year has been a very bad year,if not a sad year.
And it is bad because i lived it badly.

I've not been myself lately,erm..for a few months at least.
I am not happy inside out.
I used to be someone who live while you can,laugh while you can,love while you can.
Yeah,the happy-go-lucky type.
But everything has changed.
I have to make myself smile while I'm with my friends.
I don't feel happy,regardless what happen.
And worst of all,I dont feel sad.
Cos something in me haunts my feeling and prevails over anything else.
lol i know this sounds like depression.It is,i think.And i think,I'm not possessed by mok mok-__-

I used to be a girl who give no damn about any problem that falls upon her.
At least, I dare to laugh,smile,cry and huat siao, do anything to express my real feeling.

But that isnt the case now.
I hide my own feeling,and I have been untruthful to my own feeling.
Some close friends would ask,
"What's wrong with you today?You're quiet"
"What happened?Why face anei?(dark dark)
"Why so busy?It has been long time since you go out with us?"
My sister would often say to me,
"whao you really look like as if you are dead"

And many,a number of friends who know about my change,those who I talked to em about my change,never fail to help me with this problem.
Console me,figure out the reason,stay with me,cheer me up..
I myself have been trying real hard to figure the solution too.
I couldnt sleep at night.
Keep on thinking..and thinking..

Until few days ago..
I know.
I understand.

The reason and the cause of the problem is none other than ME.
I chose to be unhappy.
I chose to be haunted with this dull life.
I chose to escape from the reality that I caused all this.

I was a happy person because I never hide my real feeling.
And most importantly, I was a happy person because I once hold on to the principle give and receive.
I was more concerned with making others happy,bringing to their life.
I never really thought about myself.
Everytime i meet my friends,my classmates in college,I cant wait to make them smile,laugh,most of the time with my own stupidity.

And now I understand..
I've evolved into a selfish person.
I forgot the principle of my life.
I hurt a lot of people.
I guess it is too late for me to remedy them for all the mistakes i made.
But deep in the bottom of my heart,
I am sorry.

I am sorry.
I often came across this question.
"Why i seldom hear you sharing/talking about your dad?What is he working as?"
I'd answer,when I choosed not to reveal the truth..
" dad is in KL.Working as a foreman.The project..The company's name i dunno..I never ask"
Then,I'd tried to bring up another topic to avoid further questions about you.
As for those people who knows about our family problem,the question I am always confronted with is,
"So,are you still in contact with your dad?"
"Why not?You should,do you know that?
"No matter what happened,it was between your mum and your dad.You are still her daughter"
Of course I know,dad, that I am your daughter.
Although mum will never let us to find and try to keep in contact with you,I know very well that there are 1001 ways to disobey her and find you,somehow.
But I'm afraid.
And call me coward,I'm afraid..
I chose to avoid reality.
I chose to cry at nights missing you.
I am sorry.

I am sorry.
For I have always hide my real feelings from you.
I hate myself for not letting you know..
how much I hate our lives now.
how much i wanted dad,you,Von an dme live together happily like before.
how much i hate wondering why dont you make a difference,if only you said a word of acceptance,that will most probably bring our happy life back.
how much i hate hearing you say to our relative/ur friends that Dad is buried six feet under earth whenever they asked you bout him.
Mum,i really love you.But i cant bear the pain seeing the change in our lives.without dad.
I am sorry.

To a girl who called me bitch in my blog early in this year,
you did it right.I am a bitch!
I am sorry.
Back then,I never thought I am this bad.
Until I think it all over again,if i was the Evelyn before this evil change in me,
I'd never do anything that would spoil another's happiness.
I am so evil.
Yes,I have been telling myself,covering up for my own sake,with lies that I was not a party at fault.
Excusing myself by telling myself that You and him has broke up when i knew him.
How silly I was to be unable to draw a line to distinguish a 'good' friend and gf/bf.
And yet I gave a lot of chances to let things work for me and him.
Even until he got ur last chance,while being doubtful about his feelings towards me,us being so called more than ordinary friends with special feelings.And again, I caused you to be hurt.
Stupid, I'm a real dumbass.
I am not asking for any apology from you,as I know i deserve no apology from you.
It is just..i dont want to cheat myself anymore.Enough covering for myself.I hate myself for hurting you.
I am sorry.

Someone with the nick SecretPerson left a comment in one of my blog post sometime in June,
"U're...Just u're too follow ur feels..."
Yes, I cant agree any much more than this, especially me in dealing with relationship.
I thought i know how to love.
But I am wrong.Definitely and absolutely wrong.
I dont know how to love.
And often at times,I am unsure about my own feeling.
I dont respect the meaning of love.
Love is not when you accept a guy of whom he touched your heart and hence you thought you have feelings towards him.

Talking about this,I realise I am a real loser and have a pathetic experience in love.
Except for the first relationship I had,I shall admit that the rest of the guys I agreed to be their gf is on impulse reasoning.
And thus i end up,avoiding them..
This happened to my 2nd ex,a friend,and my recent 3rd ex..
I am sorry.
I started to avoid them when i realised my wrong(my feeling)..
Not replying their phone calls,sms-es,testimonials in fs,msn...
Until they give up on the relationship.
Often after my mistake,I told myself not to repeat the same thing,that is not to get involve in any relationship to avoid hurting anyone..
But i failed,miserably.
Guys,how i wished we can maintain our friendship as it was before without all the wounds I caused on it.
I am sorry.

I am sorry.
I know you understand me, I'd say even more than mum does.
Although i hardly share any of my problems with you, but often the advice or comments you state about me are 100% of how i exactly feel.
But, often at times...I treat you bad.Unlike any other sisters of your friends,I dont pamper you as I should.And as i promised dad to.
Dad,in one sms,during the end of the time we were still in contact,asked me to look after you.
Although dad is never the type of father who give long lectures,fatherly advice,but I am sure you and I know how much he loves and cares for us,right?How much he hope that in whatever we do,we must make wise decision,not to follow the group of friends..How proud he was to have daughters like us.
Von,remember this always.Love yourself,as how dad hope to..dont do something of which you will regret over later in your life,dont be a loser like me,I am not a good sister as a role model for you.
I am sorry.

All my friends,
I am sorry.
you are the ones who i spend most of my time with.
You can be either my former classmates,current classmates,childhood friends,my cousins,my net friends,my friends' friends...
I feel very bad as the biggest impact on me due to the change in me,i realised it when i hang out/talk/chat/bump into accidentally with you all..
I ve changed.And I am no longer the cheerful gal that you guys(guys and gals) have once knew.
I feel very bad that I talked to you guys in a bad manner.
I used to be someone who did not have her daily life affected with so-called bad mood.
But with my recent change,I become so emo in person..
I no longer talk funny,no longer tell cold jokes,no longer humiliate myself on purpose to paint a smile on ur faces..
I feel very bad for that.
I dont have the mood to hang out with you guys,as I afraid to infect/affect any of you with my problem.
I dont want to let you see my side of unhappiness in me.
Stupid i know.Friends should be people who you share you problems,joys together,but I seriously thought i could get over my problem soon,but I never did.
I feel bad that i avoid you all until the extend i feel very lonely being alone myself without your companion.But yet at the same time, I dare not to reveal my problem to you all.
I feel bad if i somehow let any of you feel that i dont appreciate you or our friendship.That isnt true.You guys should know,and should have felt the difference in me compared to the past.
I really enjoyed every moment we'd spent togther,and my greatest blessing is that i have all of you as my friends.
Feel bad for ltting you all to bear with my chao-kuan attitude due to my change.
I promise you all to restore back to my real self as soon as i get over my problem.
I am sorry.

And Myself,
overall the person that I should really 'dui bu qi'/sorry to.
Ive done so many things,mistakes that caused damages to my own life.
I forget to appreciate things surrounding me.
I forget that in whatever i do,i must make sure i wont have any regrets in my life,if not in near future.
I forget what are the things that really matter to me.
and i forget to,smile and breathe!
There is a saying which i find very true,
I couldnt remember the exact lines,but somehow it means this,
'It is not the bad things that happened to us that haunt our thoughts,but rather our mindset/how we think and perceive the things that happened to us.'

My bestest best friend Jill is right,
she tells me :
*u must have more confidence in urself and the ppl around you
*try to enjoy life as much as possible, coz as u age, u'll look back at ur past and u'll b glad that u r able to enjoy life once again
*what cannot be cured must be embraced
*the ppl around u love u so much, esp ur mum, ur sis n relatives.that's worth more than anything else u know?!just take a moment to imagine life without them.. with them around you, that gives every reason for u to be happy!
*as we aged, we hv to face more can u let all this challenges bring u down
maybe u havent find the goals of ur life?once u set a goal, u'll set a target to achieve it
All these,I know em in fact.But i had chosen not to believe them anymore,tend to forget them over time.And that i so so wrong.
I am so thankful for having her to be my listener.Jill,=). It is true when people say,friends,dont have to cling on one another 24/7 to be best friends.Hrmm Jill,she is leaving for US soon,in two weeks times.And i sincerely wish for her best in everything in her new place.I have confidence in her that she will make it right in every single thing she does=) i miss you~!
well,it really sounds that my life is so pathetic writing this of apology?yeah whatever you perceive this post as,I write this just to admit my own wrong-doings and to move on with my life,leaving behind all the negative things in 2008.I really need to deprive myself from this evilness in me.
And 2009,here i come=)

Sunday, 21 December 2008

I'm older edy

Haha yeah, in the end i still eat tangyuan this year.Sis in law made em...
I took all the pink ones...trying to count how many of them?That's how OLD I am.hiaks=p

Happy Tang Yuan Jie

I was awaken by Tim's forwarded sms.
Eve:Is it today?
Tim:Yup,hehe.. tang yuan=(

haihs..nvm lah If i dont eat then i wont grow older,rite?
But, i dont want to be monster.Old people say,if one dont eat tang yuan will become monster oh,knew this from a friend..

Saturday, 20 December 2008

Food again

made some sushis for aunt to serve her guest lastnite...
LOL but halfway helping i left Von doing it alone and went for tv..hiaks=P

And I love this.
Cheesecake from Taka Cake House..

btw(inrelated post):I've decided to take my year 2 finals in august instead of May next year.
dowan to be kiasu anymore.but kiasu in the sense that i opt for better result hahahaha

Thursday, 18 December 2008


went to college just now to pay the LAN subject fee.

stupid,only Pengajian Malaysia is offered this coming sem.

yeah 11 subjects???geng hor

I've got my timetable too.omg hate the timing.

Friday: Criminal(3.30-5.30), Consti(7-9pm)
SATURDAY:Legal Institutions &Methods(9-12pm),LAN(2-4pm)

Morning class again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!ish
morning sibeh morning night sibeh late ish
saturday no more holiday for me lolxx
okie left 18 days with 12-15 hours sleep....

Wednesday, 17 December 2008

a friend

won’t allow you to self-destruct
will take all the time that’s needed,no matter what time of day, to listen to yours problems and give you her best advice
is someone who can open up and be herself around you
will swallow her pride to take your advice
will never write you off
is someone who keeps promises, tells the truth, makes time for you and is someone to laugh with
is a person who knows what are you saying , even if you’re not talking
understands what you’re feeling, even if you don’t understand your own feeling
will always forgive you, usually before you forgive yourself
will do smoothing for you and not ask a favour in a return
comes and cheers for you at yours games
will always say that you look great-even you don’t
will tell you if you have something in your teeth
doesn’t talk bad about you
has a special place in your heart and is always there when you need them
is someone who will hold in a laugh when you make a fool out of yourself
is someone that you respect, who respects you and shares their feelings
makes you feel good about yourself
encourages you to reach for your goals
shares the good times and helps out by listening during the bad times
never tells a secret she promises not to tell
doesn’t talk about you to other friends
is forever and for life
is there for you even when you feel the world is against you
will open the door for you no matter how late it is
would never betray you
helps you make new friends
is someone who will share lunch with you if you forgot yours
doesn’t laugh when someone make a mean joke about you
likes you for who you are and not what you look like,because that is what really matters!
bever makes fun of anything you have or do
is not about beauty or popularity but it is someone who likes your personality
is with you to the end
doesn’t always think the way that you do
is a person that tells you when you are wrong , but not in a bad way
is someone that you own mummy trusts too
is not afraid to be seen with you
will laugh at your joke, even if they’re bad
never blames everything on you
will give you the last bite of their candy bar
is a present that you can open again and again
is someone who believes you when nobody else will

Happy 19th bday Laopo,iloveyou!!!!!!!!
know what you're thinking,no i am not lesbian! in future perhaps

Monday, 15 December 2008

I feel it now

I used to be the one who laugh at people who suffer this..
not to say laugh,but proudly say i dont suffer it counts too right?
but now it is my turn..
she came..yes today
LOL can u dont come?impossible...this is bcos of the chromosome xx i have?
so there i go..having this horrible stomach cramps...til mum gave me a pill..feel bit better,BIT only..
neways i feel happy now cos i had a HAPPY MEAL=) not mcD's,but unagi with plain WHITE rice..
yummm..thanks Wei korkor=) he brought us so so so,much,a lot,banyak,hen duo packs of unagi..but i didnt ve the chance to hang out with him this time(sorry-__-)..
cos i ve been grounding myself..the day i saw wei korkor is the day fated for me to go to brenda for acne treatment..SO DAMN UGLY lo if u ask me how's it...i know it's bit exaggerated and mum kept on telling me to be gladful...but i've promised myself not to scare anyone out there considering Halloween has edy yeah,no outings allowed!laopo n her jiejie bingbing ve been visiting me for two times..i'm so happy and again,only two of em r allowed for visiting!=)
for you who are reading this post,have u realised tat my recent posts have been so so so random?hmmm this is because i'd decided to be truthful...looking ack at my initial,old post..i see the truthful side of myself..i dont blog only i have the mood/i dont blog only when there is special occasion...i dont blog in such a way that i care whether ANYone would care to read my post...k stop mumbling lw...
i really want to be EVELYN,the real me.i want to be HAPPY=) i dont want to tell myself to be happy again n again but yet giving myself a BIG DEEP LONG sighhh each time i made myself smile....
rememble,people,smile!smile brings happiness..cos i know and i can feel it,when i dont smile..when it become a habit,i forget how to smile..i really SMILE=)

Sunday, 14 December 2008

No sign of repentance

yes,no sign of repentance.
it happened again.
he left her crying with bruises..
yet he put the fault on his past he dealt with..
she could do nothing.exactly nothing
the untmost heartpain is that i realised now it involved the kids.

***:look,here is an example..look
me:no such need,i've seen enough..*full stop*


jia you(mandarin)


try ur best(english)


hehe to all my frens who are sitting for their exam...

especially huimud,laumud and TIMOMUD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

wui jiayou ah!! dont lazy lazy ah you all have my best wishes!!! *ush ush*

This song We Are The Champions specially dedicated for u all...

we are the champion - Queen
Ive paid my dues -
Time after time -
Ive done my sentence
But committed no crime -
And bad mistakes
Ive made a few
Ive had my share of sand kicked in my face -
But Ive come through
*We are the champions -
my friends
And we'll keep on fighting -
till the end -
We are the champions -
We are the champions
No time for losers
cause we are the champions -
of the world -
Ive taken my bows
And my curtain calls -
You brought me fame and fortuen and everything that goes with it -
I thank you all -
But its been no bed of roses
No pleasure cruise -
I consider it a challenge before the whole human race -
And I aint gonna lose -
We are the champions -
my friends
And well keep on fighting -
till the end -
We are the champions -
We are the champions
No time for losers
cause we are the champions - of the world -


Thursday, 11 December 2008

08122008 Day Trip to Damai Beach

I _ _ n_ h_p_ _ _e_ _ =(

Wednesday, 10 December 2008

It's Pizza Day!

Mum got these cash vouchers, Rm48 in value.
And mum,Von n I brought the 3 lil kids to Pizza Hut=)

While waiting for Lele and BabyXun..

Finally,without Von's bighead interference~!

When Lele n BabyXun,we went to Stephen Yong to pick Qianqian up.
On the way...

She was so excited!

He looked less excited-.-


Enjoying the view outside..

They,too, enjoying the view=)

Lele busy looking at the menu while nainai busy looking at dunno-wer


Me hue-hue~

Soon, the hot delicious mushroom soup is served~!

Still looking at the menu-.-

Lai lai lai, jie jie korkor..Lele teach you how to enjoy drinking soup=p

BabyXun enjoying the cheezy breadstick..

Super Supreme

Hawaian Supreme

Can sue Pizza Hut for misrep?lol
As shown in menu...

In actual, not really 'stuffed' with cheeze leh!>.<

Lele's dessert,yummy ice cream~~

Omg so cute the pinku m&m..

Lele feeding xiao gu sweet!

Yum yum yum...

Innocent look at the ice cream?why..

^__^ lil ice cream freak

Taking a sip of coke..
Xun:Oops dont let mummy know this!



BabyXun still want some coke..

Time to go back!

The koala bear BabyXun..hiaks

Lele n Qianqian spotted smt at Country Court..

It is the santa claus


Roasted ducks were not ready yet so mum tabao-ed roasted chicken..
Only RM 14 per hurh?
BabyXun wants mum to hug him..